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Showing posts with the label Lol Stories

Ghana 1-100 India: The famous 'match' that never was

By AlatiphA - July 24, 2015

There is a local football tale almost as old as the Ghanaian game itself. Now, whoever spun this story must have had quite a fertile imagination, for virtually every boy who grew up in Ghana in a certain era (this writer included, and probably yourself as well, if you are not too embarrassed to admit it) gobbled it up with wide-eyed boyish curiosity - every surreal bit of it. It is the tale narrating the fictional football match between Ghana and India. The one that ended 100-1 to the latter yet saw the former run out as 'winners'. Depending on which account one is more familiar with, there are quite a few variations. The core of the story, though, remains fairly consistent. So, then, here goes this intriguing fable as most of us heard as toddlers. Ghana played India at an unknown venue and on a similarly obscure date - I am as oblivious to those details as you most likely are - and, somehow, the latter ended up scoring a hundred goals in 90 minutes; again, please don't...

The wicked lecturer

By AlatiphA - July 04, 2015

Three university guys dodged exam because they did not study. They came up with a plan, got themselves dirty using grease, then went to see the lecturer . "Sir we are sorry we couldn't make it to the exam. We attended a wedding and on our way back, the car broke down thus we became so dirty as u can see". The lecturer understood and gave them three days to prepare. After three days they went to the lecturer very ready for the exam because they had studied. The lecturer put them in three separate classes with only four(4) questions on the exam paper; 1. Who and who got married? (25marks) 2. Where was the reception held?(25marks) 3. Where exactly did the car broke down?(25marks) 4. What type of car broke down?(25marks) Marking scheme: your answers must be the same. Good luck guys!!

The Offer and the Acceptance?

By AlatiphA - March 25, 2015

A woman according to Sheikh was in a trotro travelling with her baby. Sitting beside her was a well-dressed Kumbungu man, laboring under the sweaty weight of his suit and tie, on a very humid afternoon, in a Tamale trotro packed to the brim; with the itinerant herbalists peddling their spiritual wares. The hapless woman could not get her baby to feed on anything she had to offer. Instead of the woman, minding her child, she would tease the kid, “you better eat this WASAWASA (black jalof) or I will give to broda, ooo!, referring to the unbeknownst to her, hunger-terrorized neighbor laboring under a sweaty suit. All entreaties to the kid fell on deaf ears, no matter the tasty temptation thrown at him.”Wagashi” came and went the same way. Even 'bofuroti' made an appearance. But the kid resisted every temptation thrown at him. It may have been that someone was binding and casting the devil of temptation from the kid. Broda sat quietly nearby and did not interfere in the...

Alert over the Spread of 'Dead Goat Syndrome' in Botswana

By AlatiphA - March 13, 2015

Health officials in Botswana have been put on high alert over the potential spread of Dead Goat syndrome after a known sufferer from Ghana arrived in the southern African country on Monday. The head of the country’s Disease Control Unit identified the Ghanaian as John, a self-diagnosed sufferer of Dead Goat syndrome who arrived in Botswana on a taxpayer-funded globetrotting adventure. The disease control expert pointed out that John’s short stay in Botswana could pose a potential health treat to the country’s leaders. “There is a real risk that our leaders may be infected through contact with this gentleman from Ghana.” The Dead Goat syndrome, according to experts, “commonly affects a head that wears the crown” and spreads through interactions with unwholesome agents. Dead Goat syndrome, also known as ‘Yentie Obiaa’ in Ghana, is characterised by a high level of apathy which causes sufferers to disregard the plight of the common man...

The Employed Gorilla

By AlatiphA - February 13, 2015

A graduate in Biology from the University of Ghana was having difficulty in finding a job. He saw an advert in one of the daily newspapers for a job at a zoo. At the interview, the manager told him that their gorilla, which had been tourists attraction had died so they needed someone to dress up and pretend as gorilla. The graduate was embarrased, but since the salary was good, he accepted the job. On the first day, he put on the gorilla skin and entered the cage, he started jumping up and down, beat his chest and roared like gorilla. The next day, he put on a Gorilla skin and started moving around the zoo again and mistakenly entered another cage and found himself staring at a lion. The lion roared and rushed towards him. The scared graduate quickly forgot that he was a gorilla and started shouting like human, "Help! Help!" The lion leaped onto him, knocked him to the ground and whispered in his ear "gyimifuo" it's me, Apart Boahene, your course mate. Shut...

Sexual intercourse Consent Form

By AlatiphA - December 29, 2014

In the light of KKD's misadventure, boys design this form to be signed before action: SEXUAL INTERCOURSE CONSENT FORM This certifies that, I ____________________the undersigned female (hereafter referred to as the "screwee") about to enjoy sexual intercourse with _______________ (hereafter referred to as the "screwer"): 1. THAT I am above the lawful age of consent. 2. THAT I am not under the influence of any narcotic substance(s). 3. THAT the aforementioned screwer did not use any force, threats, coercion or promises to influence me. 4. THAT I, the screwee, am in no fear of him whatsoever. 5. THAT I do not expect or wish to marry him 6. THAT I do not know if he is married or not, and I do not care. 7. THAT I am neither asleep nor drunk 8. THAT I am entering this relationship with him because I love it and want it as much as he does. 9. THAT in the event that I receive the full satisfaction, which I expect, declare in advance the capacity and willingne...

The Roman Sister and the driver

By AlatiphA - October 31, 2014

A man saw a Roman sister and decided to give her a lift in his car. As the car was moving, the man placed his hand on the laps of the sista pretending he was looking for the gear lever. The sista cast a glance at him and shouted; "Matthew chapter 7, verse 7". The man quickly removed his hand. After a short time, he placed his hands on her lap again. The sister shouted at him again, "Matthew chapter 7, verse 7". The man nervously removed his hand. The sista reached her destination and got off the car, cast another glance at the man and said, "so you don't read your Bible!" When the man got home he opened his Bible to Matthew 7:7 and it says "ASK AND IT SHALL Be GIVEN". The man shouted; AWURADE ME Di NKWASEAS3M.....

The destroyed evidence

By AlatiphA - October 28, 2014

A married lawyer was having fun with a prostitute in his car. On getting home, his wife saw panties on the back seat. She tore it apart screaming, " Yam-Naa ! What is this?!" The lawyer retorted, "What is what? I don't know what your're talking about!" The wife replied, "This Panties! I saw it in your car this evening!" Quickly, His lawyerly instincts kicked in and calmly said, "You just destroyed the evidence of a rape case worth a million cedi I'm handling." She fell on her knees apologizing.

Dictate

By AlatiphA - October 28, 2014

The teacher told her class the word of the day was "dictate" and asked who could spell it. Naporo raised his hand and he spelled out, "d-i-k-t-a-t-e." The teacher said, "sorry that's wrong". Then she asked Yam-Naa. Yam-Naa slowly spelled out, "d-i-c-k-t-a-t-e". "Sorry" says the teacher, "that's not right either." Next, she asked Maryam. After a slight pause Maryam began spelling, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e." "Very good Maryam," applauded the teacher, "that's correct. Now," the teacher continued, "I want someone to use the word in a sentence?" Yam-Naa raised his hand quick as a flash shouting, "I know-I know," "OK" replied the teacher, "please use the word dictate in a sentence, Yam-Naa". Yam-Naa responded, "How did my dicktate last night, Maryam?"

The dreamed gift

By AlatiphA - September 26, 2014

A woman woke up one morning and said to her husband: "I had the most vivid dream last night. In that dream you bought me a really expensive diamond ring for my birthday. I've never had a dream like that before. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight, darling," he said. Hardly able to contain her excitement all day, she eagerly awaited her husband's arrival home from work. Sure enough, he was carrying a small, beautifully wrapped Meaning package, which he then handed to her. Thrilled, she opened it... and found a book entitled The meanings of Dreams.

Where do I live?

By AlatiphA - September 10, 2014

Police: Where do you live? Small boy: With my parents. Police: Where do your parents live? Small boy: With me. Police: And where do you all live? Small boy: Together Police: Where is Your Home? Small boy: Beside my neighbors' house. Police: Where is your neighbors' house? Small boy: If I tell you, you will not believe me. Police: Tell us? Small boy: Next to my house...

Pack your things and ....

By AlatiphA - August 29, 2014

My wife and I were having a serious quarrel when I said to her... "pack your things and ....." At that point, her phone rang, so I had to stop for her to receive the call. It was her dad. The phone was on speaker so I could hear what he was saying. After the usual pleasantries between father and daughter, he said: "my daughter, I have transferred Gh¢1,000,000 into your account, give your husband Gh¢500,000 out of it, and you can have the other half." After the good-byes, the call ended, and she turned to me: "you said I should pack my things and do what?" "I SAID PACK YOUR THINGS AND GIVE THEM TO ME TO WASH". *Pls don't smile alone, put smile on someone's face too.

Wedding Test – Adults Only

By AlatiphA - August 24, 2014

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective 21 year old sister-in-law , always wore very tight mini skirts, and often times went bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I've always got more than a nice view. One day her little sis called and asked me to come over to check out the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted to have me just once before I get married, and commit my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, "I’m going upstairs to my room, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me". I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go upstairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and headed...

The Word

By AlatiphA - May 28, 2014

How did that word escape him? Too bad! Joe: Doc, I want to be castrated. Doc: What on Earth for? Joe: It's something I've been thinking about for a long time. If you don't do it, I'll just go to another doctor. Doc: OK, but it's against my better judgment. Joe had his operation. The next day he walks down the hospital corridor very slowly, legs apart, with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient walking exactly the same way. Joe: Hi there. It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me. Patient: Yeah, I finally decided I 'd like to be circumcised. Joe's eyes widen in horror, "Oh no! That's the word!" By Sheikh Zandey

Internet Love

By AlatiphA - May 28, 2014

Girl: Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Ghana and he lives in UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on facebook, had long chats on whatsapp, proposed to each other on skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through viber. I need your blessings and good wishes daddy. Dad: Wow! Really!! then get married on twitter, have fun on tango. Buy your kids on e-bay, send them through gmail. And if you are fed up with your husband.... sell him on Tonaton .

The meanings of MP!

By AlatiphA - April 17, 2014

Officer Eazy: What is your name? Akpos: M.P sir Officer Eazy: Tell me properly! Akpos: Michael Peter sir Officer Eazy: Your father’s name? Akpos: M.P sir Officer Eazy: What does that mean? Akpos: Moses Peter sir Officer Eazy: Your native place? Akpos: M.P sir Officer Eazy: Is it Makurdi Purum? Akpos: No, Minna Port sir Officer Eazy: What is your qualification? Akpos: M.P sir Officer Eazy: (angry) What is it?! Akpos: Metric Pass Officer Eazy: So why do you need a job? Akpos: M.P sir Officer Eazy: Meaning? Akpos: Money Problem sir Officer Eazy: What is your personality? Akpos: M.P sir Officer Eazy: Would you explain yourself and stop wasting my time? Akpos: Monocratic Personality Officer Eazy: I see… I will get back to you. Akpos: Sir, how’s my M.P? Officer Eazy: And what’s that again? Akpos: My performance sir. Officer Eazy: MP Akpos: What’s that ? Officer Eazy: Mental Problem (Fe...

The un-delivered email!

By AlatiphA - March 01, 2014

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shop to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened?", she asks anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" "Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in- law. "There is something very odd going on here. Rachel would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened." Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your E-mail.!"

The flatulence, the guests and the surprise!

By AlatiphA - January 31, 2014

During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn’t). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while she was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the...

The kiss and the slap!

By AlatiphA - January 31, 2014

A HR Manager, his Assistant, an old woman and her young daughter are traveling in a train and during the course of time get themselves introduced to each other and become temporary friends. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The women and the Assistant are sitting there looking perplexed. The Manager is bending over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything. The Old woman is thinking: “These Managers are all crazy after girls. He must have kissed my daughter in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.” The Young girl is thinking: “The Manager must have tried to kiss me but kissed my mother instead and got slapped.” The Manager is thinking: “Damn it. My Assistant must have kissed the young girl. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.” Now guess what the Assistant is thinking. Now ho...

Condoms for the Party!

By AlatiphA - January 21, 2014

Never argue with a woman, just use your brains like this guy. A man went on a night out with his friends the wife is furious and tells the kids that when he comes back they must not open the door for him. At about12 o'clock the man comes back and knocks... The Wife tells him, "Go back and sleep where you are coming from" and the man answered, "I'm not here to sleep, I'm here to collect condoms in my room on top of the table or give it to me, there'r lots of women at the party!" The wife opened the door and said, "idiot" u are not going anywhere!" *Don't laugh alone SHARE this joke. Make others laugh too!