A-latiph-A

Posts

Showing posts from 2013

The gods of our time!

By AlatiphA - November 16, 2013

In my land, Presidents, ministers, and all of the army of political apparatchiks are gods. Yes, they are. When they misbehave or commit unthinkable atrocities, they get away with it and are never brought to justice. To the people who voted them into power they are untouchable, unreachable, inaccessible, inexplicable, inscrutable, intricate, complex, very high-handed, overbearing, overreaching, over the top in their dealings, and ridiculously superfluous. They are gods. At least they think they are. When they travel, roads are shut down, when they fly out, the airports are cordoned off. They will never travel except in a motorcade and convoy, because they are gods who don’t travel solo. When they speak, it is loaded with haughtiness and pride, when they dress; it’s very far from being modest. Nobody works WITH them, people work FOR them, if you know what that means. When you work WITH them you are perceived a team member, when you work FOR them, you are a hungry slave. Ask...

The wrongly wired Ghanaian!

By AlatiphA - November 15, 2013

If you know better and you hit the airwaves and the public sphere with tales of alternatives, the wrongly wired Ghanaian could become your deadliest foe. He is going to come after you with all he’s got. He is going to defend with his last breath the same irresponsible government officials who are raping his present and mortgaging his future. If you look at things closely, this is to be expected. You are rocking the boat of the only world he knows. You are talking scornfully about the only experience of the world he can boast of. You are saying that his world is inadequate, corrupt, hopeless, unacceptable, and indefensible. You are saying that the only national space he knows is inferior to the paleolithic age. He will fight you. He will abuse you. This is what makes him the most reliable weapon in the hands all those who make a living by retailing lies, deceit, and illusion on behalf of Ghanaian's corruption and impunity. The wrongly wired Ghanaian is their greatest asset. H...

What are they going to do?

By AlatiphA - October 30, 2013

There is uncanny incarceration of the guy who stole a goat, while the “oga at the top”, the untouchable politician who scooped in millons is slumbering easy in his state- of-the-art mansion. Back in the day when you heard screams of “thieves” on any Ghanaian street, justice immediately rolled down like waters. Many of our leaders are THIEVES! Who said they are corrupt? Why are we not lynching these politicians (thieves) like we used to lynch the thieves? They are profusely profligate perfectionists of pilferage who persistently pound their chests in a disgraceful dare of the people. “What are they going to do ”? They seem to tell us. They are elite members of certified criminal country-clubs of the Mephistopheles. They control the levers of who-and-who gets immunity from the impunity. While the people are crying, they are laughing, while the people are agonizing, they are aggrandizing. While the people are in pain, they are painting the whole worl...

We need actions not apologies!

By AlatiphA - October 17, 2013

The perceived cluelessness of President John Mahama's administration is about as old news as Ex-President John Kuffuor assertion that corruption is as old as Adam. It was patently obvious that from the very first day JDM stood close enough to power, he lacked the very gusto and presence of mind to lead A nation this complex, complicated and tasking. Nevertheless, the people elected him. To millions, their vote for JM was an “aspirational” one; it was a statement of hope that things could be better. They wanted him to succeed; they hung on every one of his statements. He in turn promised to deliver; he promised transformation. Fast forward, 10 Months after his election Ghanaians are being paid back in, corruption scandals. In spite of the President’s monumental failure, his supporters continue to hold steadfast. They didn’t believe it when they got their man elected against all odds, and they are still not going to believe it when their man simply cannot ...

Burning fires in our backyard !

By AlatiphA - October 14, 2013

T uesday evening, I am sitting on the porch overlooking the Panbros salt pans from the hilltops of McCarthy Hill. There is a man across the opposite fence. I can see him from my lofty perch, dressed in a pair of baggy shorts, no shirt and carrying what looks like a kerosene lantern. He is walking across from my left to the edge of the open land space he inhabits and I decide to retire, not an interesting scene to keep my attention. Half hour later, just as I am nodding off, I hear the spat-spatting of what sounds like rainfall and I wonder when I missed the gathering clouds during the day and why is it still raining at this time of year? Thinking I could use the pattering rainfall to lull myself to sleep, I ignore the event and doze off. But later, a persistent crackling wakes me up and I sleep-stumble to the balcony to check things out. The smoke filled balcony and the raging fire beneath me, shocks me out of sleep and I reel from the gathering heat below. The man has set the whol...

The Charade of a failed President!

By AlatiphA - October 08, 2013

I’ve generally refrained from overtly criticizing this President and his predecessors, because I’ve always perceived them as very bad bill of goods. Hence, it was patently unfair to criticize a man whose maximum ambition was to become a member of parliament (MP), suddenly stumped into national limelight by head honcho Maximus. This was a bad dream. But that was then, and this is now. This clueless MP turned deputy minister, turned minister, turned vice president has now been President a year going. That is a lifetime in politics;and if he were learning on the job- he should be an expert now. Indeed, he is already showing the worst traits of a political operator. This man is playing hard. He has a new swagger in his steps, but they seem to be swagger of missteps – the worst lessons a student of politics can pick up in this school of hard knocks. Ghana definitely has never had it this bad. When in the history of Ghana, has our Government been so broke it cannot pay state allocations? ...

Transforming our sense of wrong and right!

By AlatiphA - September 18, 2013

We face a serious moral dilemma that pervades all sectors of our national life. It appears that our sense of wrong and right has blurred to the extent that we cannot differentiate between the two. We seem to have lost the basic ingredient that serves as a guide towards the creation of an egalitarian society. We live in a society that encourages and glorifies lawbreakers. In addition, the society encourages the wrong more than it praises the good. To some extent, we seem not to know the difference between the two. This is applicable in all segments of the society from the family to the national level. We encounter this moral burden in the following ways: A society where the family values no longer matters. A society that encourages and does not question the source of wealth of an individual but exults and worships the individual. A society that lives in and believes in falsehood and deception. A society that breeds individuals that have no conscious and only thinks of personal g...

What is so special about being a gay?

By AlatiphA - September 17, 2013

Every living soul must praise the Lord. By living souls I mean those social humans who obey God’s Books, His laws and precepts. His testimonies are clear and impeccable. In the 21st century, nations have become disobedient. Immorality is now applauded and debauchery tolerated. The Holy Books are disregarded and sin is ruling the nations, where God is not glorified and magnified. In 1981, Martina Navratilova announced to the nations that she was a lesbian. Some people applauded her announcement with hilarious approval. In all those years there has been lacking the biological agglutination that makes the natural woman to glow. In men, the lack of natural outflow leads to confusion and irrational behavior that can only be cooled by drugs and alcohol. Is this the life that sensible people applaud? On 29th April, 2013, the NBA player Jason Collins disclosed that he had been gay. Some well-known politicians applauded his disclosure, with aplomb. What is so special ...

Lying with Impunity!

By AlatiphA - September 15, 2013

Untruth is the vicious opposite of truth. History unearths truths. The truth must prevail, even if the heavens fall. Untruth, no matter with what dexterity it is spoken and for how long, its glamorous colours will fade. Then, the liar develops shifting eyes as he or she loses honour and dignity. To establish the truth of the matter or the untruth in the matter, one must look at world history for some guidance. The truth is always supposedly on the side of the strong and powerful, because he can sustain his untruth with force. The strong men in primitive societies were powerful. The feudal lord was powerful. The emperors, kings and noble men were and are powerful. They organize armies, the police and military intelligence to be on their side. They create legislative processes to enable them affirm their interests and wishes and stamp upon them jural imprimaturs. Where one violates their interests, you have broken the law. The consequences rang from fines, prison sentences to the gal...

The Battle for 2016 Begins!

By AlatiphA - September 15, 2013

There are professional politicians in Ghana, whose morbid preoccupation is with how to become PRESIDENT. This alluring obsession with power is insatiable and ill-defined. From our political history the following facts prove that Ghanaian politicians have succeeded in DECEIVING the people not SOME of the time, but All the time. This has been made possible by the prevailing ethos of docility and the acceptance of leaders, who cajole the political space with the singular ambition to be President. The painful part of the story about presidential pursuits in Ghana is that no sooner the person becomes President than he begins to focus, not on good governance but on how to be President in the distant future. They get away with it because we have a population that is totally indifferent to the primitive political culture that has prevailed in Ghana since 1957. Who are the political aspirants? These are people, who benefited from the CORRUPTION of the past years and so, have the means to p...

Break the Oppressor’s designs and give us peace!

By AlatiphA - September 15, 2013

For God is not mocked. What nations and people sow, they shall reap here and in the hereafter. So, what shall it profit a man, if he gains the whole world and suffers the loss of his own soul? The floods will continue to overflow the citadels of evil, where God is not glorified. The winds will continue to sweep the covens of the wicked. The kingdoms of darkness will continue to collapse. The reign of terror will cease. The deep will swallow up the workers of iniquity. LET THEIR EYES BE DARKENED that they see not; and make their loins shake continually. Let the song of the drunkard by silenced. Let their habitation be desolate. Oh Lord of all creation do not allow your enemies to destroy the human race with nuclear, chemical and biological weapons that are in the arsenals of states and with greed. Lord frustrate their knavery and establish the universality of your reign on Earth. All those, who create troubles for social humans on Earth, add iniquity to their iniquity and let them ...

Do not steal because the government hates competition!

By AlatiphA - September 15, 2013

Why do we burn petty thieves and celebrate our politicians? Who is worse? A guy who pilfers a few pesewas to buy bread for his starving kids, or a politician who stole billions of Gh Cedis he doesn’t need? On whom should the stones of our anger descend? Who should we lynch? A thug, who to earn some bread for his stomach snatches a ballot box or the politician, who, pursuant to stealing our mandate commissioned and underwrote that heist? Who should the armed robbers visit? The poor hapless Ghanaians, who are not sure where the next meal would come from, or the Representa-THIEVES, who embezzled funds mapped for job creation for these youths? Why is it that the aphorism “Do not steal because the government hates competition” has remained the operative principle of our men of power in Ghana? Is it because we have empowered that with our silence, or because this cabal deploys the army and police force on any peaceful protest to break the will of the people and secure Ghana...

What Putin Has to Say to Americans About Syria

By AlatiphA - September 12, 2013

By VLADIMIR V. PUTIN September 11, 2013 MOSCOW — RECENT events surrounding Syria have prompted me to speak directly to the American people and their political leaders. It is important to do so at a time of insufficient communication between our societies. Relations between us have passed through different stages. We stood against each other during the cold war. But we were also allies once, and defeated the Nazis together. The universal international organization — the United Nations — was then established to prevent such devastation from ever happening again. The United Nations’ founders understood that decisions affecting war and peace should happen only by consensus, and with America’s consent the veto by Security Council permanent members was enshrined in the United Nations Charter. The profound wisdom of this has underpinned the stability of international relations for decades. No one wants the United Nations to suffer the fate of t...

First day as a taxi driver!

By AlatiphA - September 02, 2013

A passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Yamgarinaa in a science test!

By AlatiphA - August 23, 2013

A science teacher announces a science test next week. Contrary to his nature, Yamgarinaa reads his book from cover to cover like no man's business. On test day, teacher lines up about 5 birds, covering each with a piece of cloth so only their legs are visible. QUESTION 1: Looking at the leg of a bird write down its common name, species, family, zoological name, habitat etc. After about 20 mins of frustration and not writing down anything, Yamgarinaa storms to the teacher's desk and slams his blank sheet in front of the teacher. Yamgarinaa: Sir, this test makes no sense! I am going home! Teacher: What a rude boy! Come back here. What is your name? Yamgarinaa raises his trouser and points to his leg, "Oya, you too, look at my leg and tell me my name, my surname, my house address, what tribe I come from...."

Fifty Pesewas Per Plate!

By AlatiphA - August 18, 2013

An old Ga lady is in an elevator at the Bank of Ghana, going to visit the governor. A beautiful white Lady gets in smelling of expensive perfume. The white lady turned to the Old lady and said arrogantly, "Giorgio Armani, Milan, $1200 per bottle. The old lady said nothing. Another beautiful woman also smelling expensive, enters the elevator, turns and looks down her flat nose at the Ga Lady and said "Channel No.5, Paris, $2000 per bottle". The elevator is now filled with the aroma of the magnificient scents of combined perfumes. One floor later, as the old woman approaches her destination, she quietly eases out a long silent burst of flatulence, which quickly overpowers the combined expensive perfumes and leaves the two young ladies holding their noses. As she steps out of the elevator, the old lady turns and says "Gari and beans", Chorkor, 50 pesewas per plate".

Getting it straight!

By AlatiphA - August 10, 2013

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant. "You came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That's correct," replies the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her." "That's correct," replies the defendant. "Then my question to you is,” “why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" "It seemed easier," the defendant says, "than shooting a different man every now and then.

An ancient Moshie Punishment for womanizers!

By AlatiphA - August 06, 2013

A young dagomba man was lost wandering in Ouagadougou , when he came upon a house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Moshie man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Moshie tortures known to man. " "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young dagomba man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything qui...

What's in a dog really?

By AlatiphA - July 30, 2013

What’s in a country where lives are worth nothing? What’s in a country where the leaders are busy fighting each other for the recent and perhaps the next general elections and care nothing about the citizenry? We move on as if nothing really happened? What’s in a country where socio-economic conditions have made young men and women easy prey to the machinations of religious bigots and politicians? Our dignity has been trashed, and our lives, well, our lives, are they worth more than the lives of dogs?

Political Naivety!

By AlatiphA - July 28, 2013

Def: Naivety: is the state of being naive - having or showing a lack of experience, understanding or sophistication, often in a context where one neglects pragmatism in favor of moral idealism. The political naivety of the masses comes largely from a lack of circumspection and a focus on people/events rather than deep analysis of issues. The political mass therefore are easily programmed by half-truths and outright falsehood repeatedly fed through the media and other channels of propaganda. One of the biggest indicators of political naivety amongst the masses is the whole concept of the North/South or Muslim/Christian divide. This is a division that politicians have promoted and so far succeeded in entrenching in the minds of a majority of Ghanaians primarily to remain relevant. We are naive to believe or even tolerate politicians that fan such embers of division in a country that so badly needs unity to move ahead. I do not see why we should get carried away by the tribe or religio...

The African's love for power!

By AlatiphA - July 28, 2013

Africans love power just for the love of it. Those Africans who possess the power never seem to use it for the benefit of the weak. The African man prefers to have power first rather than money, because he knows that when he gets the power, he can always effortlessly get the wealth later. He needs the power to deal with and be superior to his neighbours; he needs the power to oppress his people; he needs the power to perpetuate all kinds of evil and crime, hardly giving a thought to the repercussions or the end game that he himself would die one day; he needs the power to carry out revenge against imaginary and real enemies and rivals; he needs the power to steal audaciously from his people and country. That is the African man for you. The African leader misapplies and abuses power without a second thought. This is probably part of our genetic make-up. Put a uniform or any paraphernalia of authority on the African (male or female) and you have made him/her a mini-god. You have virt...

In the club!

By AlatiphA - July 27, 2013

Akpos went to a night club, and when he got home the following conversation ensued. MUM: Akpos, where are you coming from? AKPOS: Classes! MUM: Don't lie to me boy!!!!! AKPOS: I went to the club [in tears] MUM: Good, I hope you learnt your lesson? AKPOS: Yes mummy MUM: Alright, what did you see there that you never want to see again? AKPOS: Daddy and Aunty Nadia...

Penetration?

By AlatiphA - July 27, 2013

She holds it with her hand and tries to put it into the hole but it will not penetrate. Then she licks it with her tongue to make it wet and stand firm. She tries to put it in again and this time it enters smoothly .... It's not what you think, she's just trying to fix a thread into a needle, May God forgive your mind, what were you thinking?

A different example: Elegy for President JEA Mills: By Gideon Quarcoo

By AlatiphA - July 24, 2013

From conjoined loins of Ekumfi Otuam and environs of the Oguaa region Issued a son unheralded, yet surely destined for Greatness Treading the foothills of Tarkwa, learning early the hard clean line To eschew pride and avarice, preaching love, forgiveness and peace Hearkening to God the Holy Father, with Christ the Saviour in warm embrace, Patched in the Grey City on the Outlaw’s Hill, Glorious Kuziunik’s fortress no less Duly rendered in Legon-on-the-hill, steeped in Traditions of the gentleman scholar Always a kind word for kith and kin, for friend or foe, made no difference So let it be known that even then, you were setting a different example My Brothers and Sisters… even early then you were setting a different example! With steely resolve and tenacity, three times out and three times back in Presidentially with lofty principle, yours a different example did you set When friends, once loving, close and loyal, traitorous now sought your demise You c...

The Law Student!

By AlatiphA - July 18, 2013

A student failed in law and decided to make a deal with his professor: Student: Sir, do you know everything about law? Professor: Yes. Student: If you can answer this question, I will accept my final marks, if you can't, you have to give me "A". Professor: Agreed. Student: What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal & neither legal nor logical? The Professor thought about it for hours & pondered but no answer. Finally: Professor: I don't know. Finally he gave the student "A" as promised. The following day, professor asked same question to his students. He was shocked when all of them raised their hands. He asked one student. The student answered "Sir, you are 65, married to 28 years old woman, this is legal but not logical. Your wife, is having an affair with a 23 year old boy, this is logical but not legal. Your wife's boyfriend has failed in his exam and yet you have given him an "A", this is neither logical n...

Jealous Husband!

By AlatiphA - June 23, 2013

HUSBAND: My wife where are you? WIFE: At home love. HUSBAND: Are you sure? WIFE: Yes. HUSBAND: Turn on the blender. WIFE: (turns blender on) reeeereeee reeeereeee HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye. HUSBAND: My wife where are you? WIFE: At home love. HUSBAND: Are you sure? WIFE: Yes HUSBAND: Turn on the blender WIFE: (turns blender on) reeereeeereeee HUSBAND: Ok my love goodbye The next day, the husband decides to go home without notice, and finds his son alone and he asked him son where is your mother? SON: I don't know, she went out with the blender.

Useless Information!

By AlatiphA - June 22, 2013

You all might have probably heard the story about Malcolm Forbes ,who once got lost floating for miles in one of his famous balloons and finally landed in the middle of a cornfield. He spotted a man coming towards him and asked: Malcolm: Sir, can you tell me where i am? The man: Certainly,you are in a basket in a field of corn. Malcolm: You must be a statistician. The man: That's amazing,how did you know that? Malcolm: "Easy", your information is concise,precise and absolutely USELESS.

Better change oil!

By AlatiphA - June 22, 2013

A white man 80 years of age married a young white lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man "at your age, how do you do that?" The man answered "you just have to keep the motor running." Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurse said to the man and asked "you are something else, how do you do that?" He said "I told you that you just have to keep the motor running." Another year and back to the hospital for another baby. The same nurse said "you are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!" He said "you got to keep the motor running." She answered "Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black. "

Daddy's Charges!

By AlatiphA - June 21, 2013

A young blonde farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there. "Daddy isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you," she says. "You want our bull to service your cow. Well, Daddy charges $100 for his best bull." "That's not what I want," the neighbor says. "Well, we do have a young bull who's just starting out. Daddy charges $50 for him," the girl says. "That's not what I want," the neighbor sternly says. "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do the job. Daddy only charges $20 for him," says the girl. "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother," the neighbor explains. "Your brother, Henry, made my daughter pregnant." "Oh! Well, you'd better talk to Daddy about that," the girl says, "cause I don't know what he charges for Henry. "

English Guru!

By AlatiphA - June 21, 2013

I was a candidate at a WAEC Examination. We were WRITING English. I shaded the ones I knew and was waiting for manner to fall from Heaven when I noticed a very beautiful girl sitting beside me. She was shading and was not looking up. Through the help of my long neck, I peeped and checked her work, she was on number 65, I was still on number 21 and time was running out. I quickly thanked God and started shading along with her. We got to number 98 together, suddenly, she looked up, caught me and shouted in a low tone, "What is it? Why is you dey copying me? Copys! copys! You is not shaming! As big as you are! You are a disgrace to your manhood! Na so I shout "Heeeey! heeeeyyy!!! I am finished!, who has eraser!!!"

The Prisoner!

By AlatiphA - June 21, 2013

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" The husband replied, "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner', So what we do is put the prisoner into the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." They made love again, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," "Hey, it's not a life sentence!" the husband yelled .

The wish!

By AlatiphA - May 29, 2013

Kashuba, Malcolm & Simbaako got a YUTONG crash and landed on a very large mountain. They saw an inscription on the mountain say: "Run towards the edge and shout out your biggest wish". Kashuba went first, he jumped and said "STRETCH HUMMER!" and behold he saw it before him when he landed and drove off. Malcolm also did same and shouted "BILLIONS OF CEDIS!" and fell into a truck of money. Now it got to Simbaako's turn, he was confused and was thinking to himself "Girls, money, cars..." just as he got to the edge, he tripped and shouted "SHIT!"

The Dearest Gift for Mama!

By AlatiphA - May 27, 2013

Three sons left home to make their fortunes and did very well. One day, the three competitive brothers got back together to discuss the gift that they were giving their elderly mother. The 1st said,"I built a big house for Mom." The 2nd said, "I got her a Mercedes with a driver." "I've got you both beat," said the 3rd. "You know Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery twelve years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for ten years for them to train him, but it is worth it." Soon thereafter, their mom sent out her letters of thanks. To the. 1st son, she wrote, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only 1 room, but I have 2 clean the whole house." To the 2nd son, she wrote, "Marty, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the d...

A dubious awards ceremony!

By AlatiphA - April 06, 2013

The arena is set in my fatherland. The period is fixed in the nineties. The presenters of the award are poets. To our head of state we present........ A human head; congrats! Your excellencies, You have done noble. To the entire Parliamentarians, we present........ A well-written manifesto You may present this to your electorate, sirs! To the Dons we present...... An oath to recycle Old creed in the mill of poverty. To the civil servants we present....... A plague "Files on traffic jam."

Inflation!

By AlatiphA - April 06, 2013

The way money flies! The way it proudly plies! Now you see it, then you don't. Try to tame it and it won't. Economists call this inflation. I don't care. It's a financial deflation that people fear. It's like a ghostly curse On everyone's purse. Money has grown wings, Becoming haughty things Like stars out of reach. You must strain to be rich. As for me, I laugh at them. Like insects at my garment's hem They are still within my sphere. Wherever they flee, I'm there. When they get tired of flight I'll pull them like a kite Because economics is not absolute To a mind that is resolute.

World on the edge!

By AlatiphA - April 06, 2013

The Earth is dying, and so are we. And yet little we seem to see How we are digging our own graves For simple things like money and profit power, control and gold in caves. Our world is falling, and little we care. The species is dying, and it seems unfair. The world of men is now on the edge, And as i write this, here on the ledge, I look down, to stare death in the face. And then look up, to say my final grace. I tried to change the world for the better, I tried but in the end i failed. For in this world, only the rich are hailed, As for the rest, the road is hard Because day by day, the species is growing apart. It is, but just a matter of time Before our world crumbles into darkness And then we will realize how we can save ourselves Through love, togetherness and kindness But by then, it will all be too little too late ...

Draw a goat eating a grass!

By AlatiphA - April 06, 2013

Akpos was in the classroom when his teacher gave a class work that everybody in class should draw a goat eating grass. When they all finish drawing they submitted their work for the teacher to grade, when the teacher wanted to grade Akpos' work, he noticed that there was nothing on the drawing book. So he called Akpos to ask why he left the drawing book blank. Akpos replied and said "Maybe the goat has finish eating the grass and went away"

The stolen kiss!

By AlatiphA - April 06, 2013

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the man that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his friend and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Dave!" he said, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

Candidates Akpos and Musa!

By AlatiphA - March 22, 2013

Akpos and Musa after an English exam. Akpos: How was your paper? Musa: Men! It was kind of hard. I didn't know the past tense of 'think'. I thought & thought and thought for a long time then finally, I wrote 'thunk'. Akpos: I guess you're right because I wrote thunk after I thought 4 a while too. Musa: Shit! And what about the past tense of 'write'? Akpos: I don’t know what I wrote. I think I wrote 'written'. Musa: That one I didn't even bother. When I saw the next number asking for the past tense of 'go'. I just went out of the Exam Room. Akpos: I went out too, when I reached that number. I couldn't take it anymore. Those idiots gave us an exam beyond our scope.

Three Pastors and their problems!

By AlatiphA - March 22, 2013

Three pastors met & agreed to sincerely tell each other their problems which must be kept a secret between the three of them. The first pastor said; my problem is money. l do steal even from the church offering. Please pray for me. The second pastor said, mine is women. Whenever l see any woman, my desire will be to go to bed with her, infa ct l have slept with most of the church (female) members. Turning to the third pastor to hear his problem he started crying (it took his friends some effort to calm him). When they asked him to continue, he was still crying, he said, my problem is gossiping, when we leave this place everybody will hear all what the two of you have just told me. Please pray for me! The two pastors fainted.

Three hungry men!

By AlatiphA - March 21, 2013

There three men living together. An Afro- American, a West Indian and a Nigerian. They were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food. They took a walk and on approaching a restaurant in this classy neighbourhood, they came up with a plan. The Afro-American went in first. After being seated, he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal, the waiter came by with the bill. “LISTEN MAN, I ALREADY PAID YOU!” the Afro-American shouted! The waiter was very confused because he could not remember being paid. But because he did not want to cause any trouble, he let him leave. Five minutes later, the West Indian walked into the same restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for the food. “HEY, HEY, LOOK AT ME CLOSELY. BUT I PAID YOU ALREADY!” the West Indian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down the West Indian, because he ...

Hotel truce!

By AlatiphA - March 20, 2013

An old married couple were traveling by car. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room at a hotel. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they checked out of the hotel four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. “But we didn’t use them,” the husband said. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one o...

A nursery kid VRS a trotro driver!

By AlatiphA - March 16, 2013

A nursery one kid sat in a trotro from school. He started reciting the day's lesson disturbing everyone in the trotro by saying, "if my dad is a cock and my mom is a hen, then I'll be a chick. If my dad is a dog and my mom is a bitch, then I'll be a puppy. If my dad is a lion and my mom is a lioness, then I'll be a cub. He went on and on. The driver at this point very pissed with the kids noise shouted, "what if your dad is an armed robber and your mom is ashawo (prostitute)?" The kid answered, "then I'll be a trotro driver".

At a Moshie woman's burial!

By AlatiphA - March 16, 2013

A Moshie Man invited his friends for his mother's burial. After lowering the body, the family put groundnuts, millet, meat etc, into the grave in line with tradition. A Dagomba man asked why? The Moshie man smiled & said, according to our tradition, the dead go on a long journey & need all the food items they can get". The Dagomba man dropped Gh¢100 inside and said, "when the food finish, buy more". The Manpurugu man dropped Gh¢500 and said, "add this, incase it's not enough". The Moshie man smiled and brought out his cheque book & wrote a cheque of Gh¢2000 dropped it in the coffin & took the GH¢ 600 notes as a change, then said, "Nwanne, withdraw when you reach dia o...It is going to be a dangerous journey we don't know how many robbers are out there and afterall we are in a cashless economy na! Travel well o!"

I dey crazy!

By AlatiphA - March 08, 2013

Akpos again!!! Akpos got 2 skool late on monday morning and the teacher asked, "Akpos why did u come to school late?" Akpos answered, "one man lost N1,000 note at d bus stop" The teacher said, "ooohh! thats good of you... seems you were helping the man look for his lost money". Akpos answered, "Nooo! I DEY CRAZE??? Na me stand on top of the money"

Secretary needed!

By AlatiphA - March 08, 2013

A Man came home from work last night and said to his wife, "I have been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and get to employ my own secretary" Wife says "well please find an ugly secretary ,who doesn't have a personal hygiene, smelly armpits and dresses like an old woman, I don't want you choosing someone who you are going to be tempted to have an affair with!" "That's fair enough", the man replied "when do you wanna start?"

Application for employment!

By AlatiphA - March 07, 2013

Dear Sir, APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT I refer to the recent death of the accountant at your office and hereby apply for the job as a replacement of the dead accountant. Each time I apply for employment, I get a reply that there is no vacancy but in this case, I have caught you red handed and you have no excuse because while I was in my hometown for holidays I heard the good news about his death so i quickly rushed back to attend the funeral to be sure that he was truly dead before applying. Attached to my letter is a copy of my CV and his obituary as proof of vacancy. You can't swerve me this time. Give me the job. Thank you, Yours Truly, AlatiphA

The idiot!

By AlatiphA - March 04, 2013

Akpors gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" Akpors slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor. "You idiot!" Akpors says, "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids.....

Firm this up a little!

By AlatiphA - February 08, 2013

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed up, we could get rid of your control top panty hose". While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his "weenie". With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

The accountant tattoo!

By AlatiphA - February 08, 2013

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says? "Where in the hell have you been?" He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow; two, once in a while I like to play with my money; three, I like how money feels in my hand; and lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Office romance!

By AlatiphA - February 03, 2013

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here." The boss pressed on, "Who told you could come and go as you please around here?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

Silent and odourless fart?

By AlatiphA - February 03, 2013

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. "My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent...stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good !!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Elboing the perfect direction!

By AlatiphA - February 03, 2013

Jones: Honey, you have never bothered to invite me to your house. Can you give me the exact directions to your house so that I visit today? Mavis: Love, I will be happy to receive you. Follow the following instructions: "Come to the front gate of the apartment where you dropped me, look for flat 2A, you'll find a lift on your right. Hit 7 with your ELBOW. Get out of the lift you'll find my flat on the left. Hit the doorbell with your ELBOW and I’ll get the door for you". Jones: That seems easy but why would I hit buttons with my elbows? Mavis: Oh my God! Are you coming empty handed?

Politician Akpos the bread winner?

By AlatiphA - February 01, 2013

Journalist: Hon. Akpos, first of all, is it true that you are the bread winner in your family? Hon. Akpos : I am not hearing that allegation for the first time, I have been hearing it for some time, I know this allegation is coming from my political enemies who want to tarnish my image. I want to tell you that I have never been in any competition to win bread. Ask them where I won that bread. If anyone saw me entering a competition to win bread, then they must provide the evidence otherwise I will start suing anyone saying I am a bread winner, yes including you reporters and your newspapers.

They are all kolomental!

By AlatiphA - January 25, 2013

In Aro, they wanted to test to know the next of the insane men to release. The doctor drew a door on the wall and asked the patients to open and pass through it. All the insane men rushed to the door to open but Akpos. He sat down and watched them, the doctor thinks Akpos' brain is back to normal. Doctor goes to him: Doctor: Akpos, why are u sitting down? Akpos: They are all mad! Doctor, the key to that door is in my pocket.

Akpos wish!

By AlatiphA - January 24, 2013

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and killed everyone. Upon arrival in heaven, God says "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven. The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says, "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for so ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point Akpos at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple of people make their wish to become beautiful and Akpos at the end laughs even louder. One after another the people wish the same thing and the closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder Akpos laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks, "What is your wish my son?" Akpos says, "Make them all ugly again!

A blind man and the restaurant manu!

By AlatiphA - January 22, 2013

A blind man walks into a little restaurant and sits Down. The owner, walks up to him and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a fork used by a previous customer. I'll smell it and Order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. Ah,yes, that's what I'll have-- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen and tells his wife Gladys, the cook, what just happened. The blind man eats and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. ...

Off to Accra!

By AlatiphA - January 20, 2013

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. ‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man. ‘I’m going to Accra ‘, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get ¢100 a night for what I give you for free! ‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. ‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife. The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on ¢200 a year!’

AlatiphA xCases

REVOLUTIONIZE HOW YOU CHANGE TEXT CASES WITH ALATIPHA xCASES ADD-IN!

Welcome to the next level of Excel functionality!

Enter the AlatiphA xCases Add-In, a powerful tool designed to simplify and automate the process of converting text cases in Excel. Whether you’re preparing a report, cleaning up imported data, or standardizing formatting, this add-in is your go-to solution.

Features at a Glance

Uppercase Conversion: Quickly convert all selected text to uppercase.

Lowercase Conversion: Transform text to lowercase for uniformity.

Proper Case Conversion: Capitalize the first letter of each word, ideal for names and titles.

Sentence Case Conversion: Capitalize only the first letter of each sentence, perfect for paragraph formatting.

Why Use the AlatiphA xCases Add-In?

Save Time and Effort: Manually adjusting text cases in Excel can consume valuable time, especially when dealing with extensive data. This add-in automates the process, saving you hours of work.

Enhance Data Accuracy: By automating case changes, the add-in minimizes the risk of human error, ensuring your data remains consistent and professional.

User-Friendly Design: With a clean interface and simple commands, the AlatiphA xCases Add-In is accessible to both novice and advanced Excel users. Prompts guide users through errors, such as selecting non-text ranges or working on protected sheets.

Say goodbye to manual use of functions to change texts cases. AlatiphA xCases—Excel, elevated!

Learn More

Price: GH¢ 0.00

Buy Now

AlatiphA xCurrencies

REVOLUTIONIZE HOW TO FORMAT CURRENCIES WITH ALATIPHA xCURRENCIES ADD-IN!

Do you find yourself repeatedly formatting numbers and currencies in Excel?

Whether you're a finance professional, an accountant, or simply a power user of spreadsheets, managing currency formats can be time-consuming and tedious.

Enter the AlatiphA xCurrencies Add-In, an innovative Excel add-in that simplifies formatting tasks with a suite of powerful macros.

Features at a Glance

Format as GH¢ (Ghanaian Cedi): Specifically tailored for users who frequently work with Ghanaian Cedis, this add-in simplifies the process.

A simple prompt lets you choose whether to format with or without decimals.

Add "GH¢" to Empty Cells: This add-in goes a step further by allowing users to populate empty cells with the "GH¢" symbol. It’s especially useful for marking placeholders or templates in financial documents.

Multi-Currency Formatting: With businesses operating globally, it’s common to work with multiple currencies in the same spreadsheet.

This add-in supports formatting for multiple currencies like Ghanaian Cedis (GH¢), US Dollars ($), Euros (€), British Pounds (£), Japanese Yung (¥) and Nigerian Naira (NGN).

You can specify whether to include decimal places, making it perfect for financial reporting or transaction summaries.

Why Use AlatiphA Currencies?

Save Time and Effort: This add-in isn’t just about formatting—it’s about efficiency and accuracy.

By automating repetitive tasks, it allows you to focus on analyzing data and making decisions.

Plus, its flexibility to handle multiple currencies ensures it fits seamlessly into any workflow.

Enhance Data Accuracy: By automating currency formatting, the add-in minimizes the risk of human error, ensuring your data remains consistent and professional.

Works only on empty cells, ensuring no accidental overwriting of existing data.

Automatically centers the GH¢ in the cells for better aesthetics when marking placeholders.

User-Friendly Design: With a clean interface and simple commands, the AlatiphA xCurrencies Add-In is accessible to both novice and advanced Excel users:

Validation of Selection: Ensures users select a valid range before proceeding.

Protection Checks: Prevents modifications to protected sheets, safeguarding your data integrity.

Interactive Prompts: Guides users through choices for currency symbols and decimal preferences.

Say goodbye to manually changing the currencies. AlatiphA xCurrencies — Excel, elevated!

Learn More

Price: GH¢ 0.00

Buy Now

AlatiphA is an Education and Technology blog that provides quality contents on education and technology.

AlatiphA is optimized for news, ebooks, educational templates, training, learning, testing (quizing) and many more.

Tutorials, eBooks and tests are constantly reviewed to avoid errors but we cannot warrant full correctness of all contents.

While using this blog, you agree to have read and accepted our:

Disclaimer,
Terms of use
&
Privacy policy.

We're Social

Posts

Popular Posts

AlatiphA Products

AlatiphA xCases

Features at a Glance

Why Use the AlatiphA xCases Add-In?

AlatiphA xCurrencies

Features at a Glance

Why Use AlatiphA Currencies?

AlatiphA Ebooks

Effective Teaching Methods

Education in Ghana

GES Promotion Aptitude Test Pasco

Model Aptitude Test for GES 2

Model Aptitude Test for GES 1

ICT for JHS - Compilation

Regular BECE ICT Pasco

Private BECE ICT Pasco

ICT for JHS 2 - PowerPoint

ICT for JHS 3 - PowerPoint

AlatiphA Templates

Sba Gradebook for JHS

Admission & Learners Database - Template

Circuit Staffs Database - Template

Report Card Generator for Basic Schools - Template

Staffs Attendance Register - Template

AggreGrade (Grade and Aggregate Calculator) - Template

AlatiphA TV

Admission & Learners Database

Sba Gradebook for JHS

Report Card Generator for Basic Schools

Dr. Bayan Attacks Bachi Kunyandoo

Bontua vrs Alibarika babes - Bachi Kunyandoo