AlatiphA 's new year resolution!

Good afternoon. I'm Abdul-Latif Ahmed, and speaking on behalf of my beloved wife, kid and myself, I would like to extend the warmest of New Year's greetings and felicitations to those who read this.

The ones who don't can all f**k off.

Right -

It's traditional to look to the New Year with optimism. It's the done thing to hope for a peaceful New Year, and wish happiness, health and prosperity upon those whom we hold dear. We don't hold with that bollocks in our house.

We've been doing that for years now, and it never works. So this year, we're just going to pray for mercy and hope that our loved ones, and our friends, make it alive long enough to see 2014.

We aren't pessimists or anything like that; it's just that no matter how hard you wish for stuff at New Year - it just never seems to work out.

People get sick and they sometimes die. People have accidents and sometimes die. There's always some megalomaniacal prick itching to start a fight.

This year, the wife and I shall be praying for mercy. We'll be hoping we make it through the year, manage to hold on to my job, and hoping that a bastard, will give her one.

The world is apparently broke, and nobody seems to know why, so we're gonna pray we don't become victims of identity theft, or get mugged, or caught up in a riot or armed robbery or something.

In light of the current financial climate, we'll pray for the movers and shakers in the high flying worlds of finance and politics, hoping they are spared the hardships of recent times, and hoping that we don't end up paying out a disproportionate amount in interest or taxes to finance lavishly these inconsiderate bastards out again.

While we eat shit.

As usual. Anyway. (I seem to say 'anyway' all the time recently, and I have no idea why. It's strange, but my voice has also gone a bit nasal. No idea how that happened. Anyway...)

In a massive gesture of self sacrifice, I have agreed to stop drinking ATIRE as some of you drink alcohol. It's a massive and traumatic undertaking, but with the help of friends and family, I think I may do it. I will certainly give it my best shot. I sincerely hope that others will follow my lead, and sacrifice something equally meaningful.

The wife has also agreed to stop sowing YAAYE (for weddings, outdoorings,etc).

We couldn't possibly do much more than that.

Anyway...and that...look, I'm moving about again... Silly me!

Right... The creeping onset of old age acts as a timely reminder to us all, that surely this year can't be as bad as last year.

Or the year before that.

And please take care of yourselves in this cold, damp hamattan weather. Wrap up warm and be sure to put your coat and hat on five minutes before you venture outdoors, otherwise you won't feel the benefit.

And never sit with your back to the fire, because the heat will dry out all the marrow in your spine and turn you into a hunchback.

And never go out in the dark unless you eat loads of KULIKULI. The good thing about all this sage advice is that it might help you to avoid contracting second degree cold.

Nobody needs that. It's a right pisser.

Oh, and try not to smoke, and try to avoid being stereotypical. Do that sort of thing away from prying eyes. Like wot me and the wife do.

In closing, just go on and do what you normally do. Pretty much. That's what we'll be mainly doing. Although we have vowed to devote more time to experimenting with various chemicals. Using all those unmarked jars we have under the kitchen sink.

Oh and remember go easy on the internet porn downloads. It nearly crashed my laptop earlier today.

Look after yourselves my dear friends. And if you can't be arsed to do that, send me all your money and worldly goods and I'll sort something out.

As the late, great, Dave Allen said: "May your God go with you."

Failing that - the wife and I will come.

Abdul- Latif Ahmed.
Signing off.
Thank you and goodday.