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Showing posts from April, 2012

You're my sim card!

By AlatiphA - April 18, 2012

A Lady asked her boyfriend " how much do you love me? Boy: I love you so much, can't measure....... Girl: No just tell me.... Boy: Okay I am like a phone and you are my sim card, there's no me without you...... Girl: aaaaaawww that is so romantic ....... (Boy says 2 himself) see mumu !! What if I'm a china phone wit 3 sims?

Bobs' birthday gift!

By AlatiphA - April 18, 2012

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday gift, she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?' His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league. When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?' 'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.' A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out ...

Dog Catholic!

By AlatiphA - April 18, 2012

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?" The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him." "Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?" The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Don't-Stop!

By AlatiphA - April 16, 2012

Ekaete was pregnant and her madam was angry. The Madam asked: Ekaete, but I told you that if a man touches your breast you should say "DON'T" and if he touches your yatsh you say "STOP". Ekaete replied; 'but madam na the two he dey touch at once, so I just dey tell am "DON'T-STOP, DON'T-STOP". Hahahahaha!

Sharia law made flexible. Lol!!!

By AlatiphA - April 16, 2012

A Yoruba Man was sitting with an Ibo man and a Hausa man in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them. They were initially given a death sentence but, as it was a national holiday, the sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh said, It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you cannot wish not to be whipped!" The Hausa man thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow lasted 10 lashes. The Ibo man saw this and said: "Please tie two pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes. The Yoruba Man saw this, but before he could make his wish, the sheikh said: "As you share the same ethnicity with the president of your ...

Nigerian Hell. Lol!!!

By AlatiphA - April 16, 2012

A man died & goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country and decides he’ll pick the least painful to spend his eternity. He goes to the German hell & asks, What do they do here?” He is told “first they put you in an electric Chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day”. The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell. Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a long queue of people waiting to get in… Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?” He is told “first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Nigerian devil comes in & whips you for the rest of the day.” But that is exactly the same as all the other hells, why ...

The unfaithful husband?

By AlatiphA - April 12, 2012

One day, a woman asked her son to call her husband to ask him what he wanted her to cook for dinner. After the sixth time the boy complained to his mother that a female voice was what he heard everytime he called and the lady would not let him speak to his dad. By the time the man got home that evening, his wife was fuming seriously. She was so angry that she met him at his car and grabbed his shirt right there in the front yard. "How dare you cheat on me?" she shouted, attracting the neighbors instantly. "How could you? After all we have been through?" The confused man stared at her - he could not fathom why she was so mad at him. The neighbors tried to calm her down but she refused, and when someone asked for evidence, she recounted the phone call episode and called on Junior to repeat everything the lady on the phone said. "The number you are calling is not reachable at the moment. Please try again later," Junior said.

Daddy, how was I born?

By AlatiphA - April 11, 2012

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: Scroll down... You'll love this.... ' You got Male!

Police Officer turned Preacher to a pastor!

By AlatiphA - April 11, 2012

On Lagos-Ibadan express road, when a Pastor met a team of policemen who, quite naturally, wanted 'something' from him. Since he was not prepared to play their games, they asked for his papers and having combed through everything without any offence with which to nail the 'stubborn' pastor, they now asked him to open the bonnet of his car. A careful scrutiny of the engine number against what was on paper revealed that letter 'U' was written in such a way that it could be mistaken for letter 'V'. That was all the officer-in-charge needed to shout "stolen vehicle!" Sensing trouble, even when he knew he committed no offence, the pastor called the OC to say he was a priest to which the officer replied :"Please, leave that pastor thing...in any case, if you are indeed a pastor, then you must have a Bible in your car, bring it." The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered: "Please read Matthew 5:25-26 to me...

Attah Mess meets the Queen of England for advice!

By AlatiphA - April 10, 2012

Attah Mess met with the Queen of England. He asked her, "Your majesty, how do you run such an efficient ... government? Are there, any tips you can give to me? I want to help Ghana". "Well, said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Attah frowned, and then asked, "But how do i know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of her tea. Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please, send David Cameron in here, would you?" David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes , your majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please. David, your mother and father have a child, it is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a minute David Cameron answered, "that would be me. " Yes, very good, " said the Queen. Attah...

Make me feel like a woman!

By AlatiphA - April 10, 2012

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, wash and iron this!”.

Fascinate!

By AlatiphA - April 10, 2012

Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher asked “can anybody use the word "fascinate" in a sentence?” Johnny raised his hand. But because of past experiences the teacher called on billy. “I went to the zoo and i was fascinated”. “No, Billy we want fascinate.” Johnny was raising his hand, but the teacher called on sally. “The animals at the zoo were fascinating”. “No, Sally we want fascinate” Little Johnny was standing up raising his hand jumping and wanting to be called on. Well the teacher figured that Johnny could never be bad with the word fascinate. So the teacher finally called on Johnny… “My sister has a shirt with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.

Brotherhood in Islam!

By AlatiphA - April 09, 2012

As Muslims, our faith is not complete, and our worship is not sufficient, until we have built the strong bonds of brotherhood amongst ourselves. This fact is frequently forgotten by many Muslims, and these bonds are broken over minor disputes and arguments. This concept of brotherhood is emphasized in the Quran and in the Sunnah, and through the practical actions of the Prophet Mohammad (pbuh). This brotherhood that is established by Islam places upon us certain rights and responsibilities that we must fulfill towards our Muslim brothers. Before we proceed any further, it must be made clear to anyone reading this that although we use the term "brotherhood" in this article, it is meant to encompass both genders, and to include sisterhood between Muslim sisters as well. The first important point to note is that this brotherhood between believers was established by Allah (swt) Himself, in the Quran: "Believers are indeed brothers" (Al-Hujurat, verse 10) Allah (...

God is good and everything he does is perfect!

By AlatiphA - April 08, 2012

A king once had a slave who, in all circumstances said: "My king, do not be discouraged because everything God does is perfect, no mistakes..." One day, they went hunting and a wild animal attacked the king, the slave managed to kill the animal but couldn't prevent his majesty losing a finger. Furious and without showing gratitude, the King said; "if God was good, I would not have been attacked and lost one finger!" The slave replied: "Despite all these things, I can only tell you that God is good and everything he does is perfect. He is never wrong!" Outraged by the response, the king ordered the arrest of his slave. Later, he left for another hunt and was captured by savages who made human sacrifices. In the altar, the savages found out that the king didn't have one finger in place so he was released because he was considered not"complete" to be offered to the gods. On his return to the palace, he authorized the release of his s...

The four buttons!

By AlatiphA - April 08, 2012

A man who was in a hurry decided to use the female's toilet. As he sat on the Water Closet (WC) - he saw 4 buttons on the wall. AR, AW, PP, APR. He pressed the first button AR(Auto Rinse) and cool water washed his as* and he so much loved it that he pressed the 2nd button AW -(Auto Wipe) and his as* was cleaned up nicely. Still loving the treatment, he pressed the 3rd button PP(Power Puff)and a nice perfume was sprayed on his as*. He could not resist the treatment so went on to press the last button - APR. Few minutes later, he woke up at a hospital. A nurse then told him. "Sir, APR means Automatic Pad Remover, and since the machine could not find one on you, it went for your balls.

A politician and a little girl in a conversation!

By AlatiphA - April 04, 2012

A politician was seated next to a little girl on a flight. The politician turned to her and said, ’Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. ‘ The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked, ‘What would you like to talk about?’ ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ said the politician. ‘How about nuclear power?’ and he grins. ‘OK,’ she said. ‘That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?’ The politician surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, ‘Hmmm, I have no idea.‘ To which the little girl replies, ‘Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know poop?

Judge Politicians by what they do not what they say!

By AlatiphA - April 04, 2012

Politicians are good at talking. It is time to completely disregard what politicians are saying. It is time to pay attention to what politicians are doing. Politicians create authority and reputation with words. People are moved by speeches and let their hopes get high from their promises. When people debate politics they quote what Democrat X or Liberal Y said. Furthermore, people are always saying that they don’t trust politicians. You remember the old joke, right? How do you know if a politician is lying? Well, the fact is that people feel politicians lie to them…alot. Politicians promise a lot. That’s how most make their living. Do you think politicians do a good job fulfilling those promises? Okay. We know that politicians talk a good game.