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Showing posts from December, 2012

Aborted suicide!

By AlatiphA - December 30, 2012

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants... I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.'

A field trip at the police station!

By AlatiphA - December 29, 2012

I took my class on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals and interacted with one Police Officer. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Naporo asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took this picture?"

The blonde and the dog!

By AlatiphA - December 29, 2012

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, "The dog is still barking and even much louder now, what have you been doing?" The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard... let's see how THEY like it!"

Ghana police emmergency center, 191!

By AlatiphA - December 28, 2012

Omo, police don upgrade oOh, dis na d call center number 191. There was a robbery in my neighbour’s house and I called them… next thing I heard was. Welcome to Ghana Police Emergency Center... for English, press 1; for Ashanti, press 2; for Moshie, press 3; for Dagbani, hang up. Then I pressed 1… then another voice came up….For car accident, press 1; for armed robbery, press 2, for Azoka boys, please hang up…. Den I pressed 2, anoda voice came up…. If they’re with knives, press 1; pistols, press 2, AK 47, press 3; machine guns, press 4; bomb press 5, all of the above, press 6… Then i checked and saw they were with all of them then I pressed 6… anoda voice came up saying…. Hmmmm…! My brother, if ur brother dey police u go gree make im come?

Coffee gossip!

By AlatiphA - December 28, 2012

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well... ?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM, TALL, 38D BREASTS, 24" WAIST and, 36" HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ !"

Spell bee!

By AlatiphA - December 28, 2012

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

Grandpa and grandaughter!

By AlatiphA - December 28, 2012

Granddaughter is sitting on Grandpa's lap as he reads the paper not paying any attention to her. So she starts studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve and rubs her fingers over the wrinkles and then over her own face and looks more puzzled. She finally asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" 'He sure did honey, a long long time ago", he replied. "Well, did God make me?` she asked. "Yes He did, and that wasn't too long ago," he answered. She thought for a minute and then said, "Wow! He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

Bob, the chicken

By AlatiphA - December 28, 2012

Bob came home drunk one night slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! Please!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Bob the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Bob. "Well, just r...

X'mas and new year promo!

By AlatiphA - December 27, 2012

BONAZA!!! BONOZA!!! BONAZA!!! X'mas and new year promo is here: Simbaako chicken. Buy 1 and get 1 free: * London used chicken - ¢120 * USA used white chicken - ¢122 * Stolen fowl - ¢85 * Blind chicken - ¢80 * Deaf and dumb chicken - ¢61 * Crippled hen - ¢38 * Black fowl - ¢25 Q: Are the chicken wrestling? A: ........................................... Anyway, come one, come all!

I' m no womanizer!

By AlatiphA - December 26, 2012

“There is this notion of me being a womanizer which is certainly not true. I have had children outside my marriage. But I'm at peace with my wife. She understands the circumstances in which it happened, and I have been a responsible father to my children,” ~ H. E. John Dramani Mahama, President, Republic of Ghana

T'was a night before Christmas!

By AlatiphA - December 24, 2012

T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker's surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet. The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams. My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac). When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter. To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!! I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse. When what to my wondering eyes should appear? My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear. When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called th...

Which class should Johnny be?

By AlatiphA - December 23, 2012

A Pri mary three teacher was having trouble with one of her students little johnny .The teacher asked, "johnny, what is your problem?" johnny answered, "I'm too smart for Primary three. My sister is in Primary six and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in Primary six too!" The Teacher had enough. She took Johnny to the Headmaster's office... While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the Headmaster what the situation was. The Headmaster told the teacher he would give Johnny a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to Primary three and behave. She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Headmaster: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9". Headmaster: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36". And so it went with every question the Headmaster thought a Primary three pupil should know. The Headmaster looke...

Who is the best?

By AlatiphA - December 23, 2012

Johnny asked to sit nxt to a gal in the library: Johnny: May i sit next to you. The gal wit a loud shout, replied: NO I DO NOT WANNA SLEEP WITH YOU. The whole library stared at Johnny and he was embrassed. A few minutes later, the gal goes to Johnny and says: I study physiology, I know how you re feeling. Johnny then with a loud shout, said, GhC 1000, THAT IS TOO MUCH FOR ONE NIGHT. He the turned to the Gal and whispered in her ear: I studied law,and I no how to make you look guilty...

House of liers!

By AlatiphA - December 22, 2012

A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner … DAD : Son where were you today during school hours? SON : At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Okay I went to the movies! DAD : Which one? SON : Harry Potter (robot slaps Son again!) Okay I was watching porno. DAD : What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno (robot slaps dad) MUM : Hahahahaha! After all he is your Son! (robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap)

First time estacy!

By AlatiphA - December 22, 2012

Virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the...

The general

By AlatiphA - December 22, 2012

General Zimboo has been monitorin the movement of his only daughter recently. In fact, he first picks her calls to confirm the identity of the caller before handing over the phone to her after thorough screening. But on one faithful day, her boyfriend called and General picked the call as usual. Watch out! General: Hello! May I know you? Caller: Sorry I want to speak with Salma, sir. General: I said who are you and what for? Caller: Hmmm (after he understood the situation At hand), Okay Sir, I am Kafui Dede from WHO WANTS TO BE RICH. Salma's friends is presently on hot seat and needs her help to answer a question for Two Million Gh. Cedis. So the next voice you hear after is hers, the time starts now........ General: Oooh am very sorry!!! Salma! Salma!! Salma!!! Pls take your phone. Your friend needs your help............ Caller: The question is when are you coming, tomorrow? A. Morning, B. Afternoon, C. Evening, D. Night. Salma: D. Night. Caller: Are you sure? Fi...

Types of gases?

By AlatiphA - December 22, 2012

It was a chemistry class and the teacher asked the students to name the types of gases they knew. Gaskia:- oxygen gas Maltiti:- nitrogen gas Sanusi:- hydrogen gas Dawuni:- tear gas ma Teacher:- Dawuni, you have just one more chance to answer the question correctly,else you will be punished. Dawuni thinks hard and said, "FabreGAS"

The debt and the wisemen!

By AlatiphA - December 22, 2012

Peter Said: "I want my money now!" Then Tom Replied: I will kill myself so that I won't pay you. He pulled a gun and shot himself dead. Peter reacted by laughing aloud:"hahaha..... If u think you will get away with my money you are wrong, i will follow you until you pay me. He takes the gun and shot himself dead as well. Jamas was watching from a distance. He laughed and said, "these guys are funny, I want to watch this till the end". He also took the gun and killed him self! SO IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. Ha ha ha! are you kidding me? Dont Even Think About It.

A newspaper love advert!

By AlatiphA - December 22, 2012

A lady put an ad in a newspaper: “I am looking for a man who won’t beat me or leave me, and who will satisfy me in bed.” Two weeks later she heard a loud knock on her door. When she opened, she saw a guy with no arms and legs. Lady: How can I help you? Guy: I am answering your request for a man. Lady: You have no arms. Guy: I won’t beat you. Lady: You have no legs. Guy: I won’t leave you. Lady: How will you satisfy me in bed? Guy: What do you think I used in knocking your door with?

Stop wasting time!

By AlatiphA - December 18, 2012

You are customer of bank called TIME. Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as a loss, whatever remainder you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you with the same deposit of 86,400 seconds. Each night it burns the remains of the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the tomorrow. You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success. You’re making withdrawals right this second; make them count. Read